Archive for the ‘Mirra’ Category

things about last week

Gwendolyn and i got a job! we’ll be working together at a health food store Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and taking turns on Sundays. nine hours a day. pretty sweeet i think.  so, that’s a load off. i don’t have to be getting gray hairs over getting a job any more. out of all the jobs i applied for this is the one i actually wanted.

last Sunday at David’s flat we had a get-together of all us Ionians out here on the East cost. Bill Johnson, one of the founders of Ionia and the father of some of my best friends, showed up. i was making a mess of food with some other people in the kitchen, when he came in; i was so happy to see him i practically leaped over the table to hug him. it was so great to see a familiar face from Ionia. we had a nice conversation and later we played music together until he had to leave. at Ionia there were many nights where lots of people would play music and rotate instruments and jam the night away. almost always Bill was there and i always felt he was a key piece to the flow of how the music progressed and wound its way around. i don’t know if it’s like this for everyone or if it’s just like this to me but it is always easier to make music when jamming with Bill.  i love the social, creative and communicative aspects of music (as i do in dance,) rather than the performance aspects of it and i think perhaps  Bill has the same preference.

there are so many fabulous places around here to go walking and forging. there are old herring runs and cranberry bogs that are all overgrown and bursting with bright green foliage. there are man-made streams with moss covered, concrete water blocks and dams. there are  square ponds that you don’t notice are square at first because they are so over taken by fallen trees and young trees and ferns and flowers and watercress. Gwendolyn showed me a beautiful place with little foot paths threw the woods that wound around and over little hills that led us always back to the mossy watery herring runs and cranberry bogs.

mirra

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looking for what?

I think about getting a job and I feel the life go out of me. I feel that twisting feeling inside from the pressure to be working. I hate it. I can’t stand the pressure of it. I hate the competition. that’s all I keep thinking when I think of getting a job. I have to reason with myself and ask; what is so very horrible about working? is it the having to-ness of it? no, I don’t think that’s it. I have things I have to do and they don’t make me feel that way. even things I don’t consider very fun. is it the having to go to work part? well… no. going to work wouldn’t be so bad if I liked it.

ok, never mind. enough dumb questions I don’t have good answers for. I think what is at the root of the matter is that I am afraid of not being good enough. for any job. I’m afraid someone will confirm my own doubts about myself.  I look at the most mediocre job and ask myself; could I do that? often the answer is; no. how is it that I can think I can plan and share a journey like Community Walkabout, that not only challenges me to do things I’ve never done before and presents me with so many unknowns, but I can  hardly trust myself to be able to mow somebody lawn?!  I have utterly no confidence   in my capacity to have a job. how is that? why did I turn out like that? it’s not that I haven’t had jobs before that have been perfectly fine. I’ve been a custodian more than once, I’ve cleaned someone’s house for them… I mean really; these are not the most challenging of jobs. I’ve also been a self-employed guitar teacher. I was pretty good at that. but I guess every job has it’s challenging parts. even the ones I had. so can’t I assume that I could feel the same way about a future job? yes, that is very reasonable and all, but my guts don’t seem to care an ounce about what reasons my brain comes up with.

so, as much as I don’t want to admit it, the answer looks to me like I need to get a job to prove to myself that I can do it, that it’s not that impossible for me. now the reason for getting a job is not only to be saving money but also, and perhaps more importantly, to give myself confidence that I am able to do the same as others and have a job, that I’m not as much of an incapacitated loser as I’m afraid of being. are we all like this? do we all get our self-confidence through what we can do? through confirmation of other people? because if that is so then we also get our lack of self-confidence from being told we suck. surely our worth is not only what our fellow human beings tell us it is. what is our worth when we are not the judges?.. are we worth nothing?..  everything?                            

beautiful people of earth,
what is your, what is your worth?
apples and cherries, plums and blueberries
are these our brothers of birth?

                                         mirra

coming together?

i woke this morning hearing spring birds singing and chirping outside. the window was open and cool fresh air filed the room. i was so cozy and worm under the covers next to Gwendolyn. it seems so natural but unreal at the same time that i am here. it feels epic but i guess everyone feels that way when something is happening to one for the first time. it’s already happening differently then we planned. but, that’s how it goes. i like it. i knew it would be like that and it’s exciting to start adjusting to adjusting. it’s great.

so we got up, had breakfast and went to drop Gwendolyn off at the airport. the airport?! were the three of us not all gathering here to spend the summer together and work? well, Gwendolyn got called by FEMA to go help with the tornado disaster in Alabama. so, she’s gone for at least a week and I’m here for two days before Alex comes. we thought Alex may not be getting here for another two weeks and that is why Gwendolyn said yes to the FEMA people; since we were not all going to be together. ah, what a whirl wind of change.
we got to see each other for a bit at least. I miss her again.

i love our room and this house, it is so beautiful and fabulous and fun! all i need now is to start feeling like I’m here. since i was in Boston I’ve felt like I’m dreaming. when will this all feel real! I’m insanely happy and care free. (though i do have cares.) it must be spring and the spring of an adventure in the spring of ower lives. Shesh-cabeesh, it’s all so springy!

mirra

Here I am

so, here i am after three weeks. i was visiting my home in WI, and being very busy trying not to be too lonely. it was a shock to go from community life to basically just me. i found myself calling my Ionian family all the time in order not to loose myself in depression. i noticed how little people touch each other out here. there’s no one i can throw my arms around, no one to go sit next to and talk to. then again, my home in WI is very secluded; a converted log barn in twenty acres of wisconsin swamp and woods.

i had decided before i went home that i would get some violin lessons and see how much i could learn in three weeks while practicing the way i thought people should practice. you know- an hour or two a day, attention to technique, going over the hard spot in a song instead of going back and playing the whole thing again, practicing slowly, etc. it all went really well, but i realized i was falling in love with violin. so now i have to find a violin to play. (oh, the pain and misery of life.)

i’m visiting my sister Arhia in Boston until friday afternoon. she took me on an adventure out and i was well amazed and inspired. i was looking around so much i think that every time we went to cross a street i either was left behind, while goggling at the buildings, or i charged into the street and back again, while goggling at the buildings or flowers or people or pigeons or statues or whatever the heck. but it was all fun. even getting psychologically and socially confused into giving away five bucks was interesting. later some girls gave us free drinks they were promoting. what goes around comes around.

i continue to feel like i’ve gotten into someone else’s life.
how am i here and so happy!
this friday i head to Falmouth to start my summer with Gwendolyn and Alex.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! i’m the luckiest person ever!

mirra

New Communities

i can’t believe how many communities there are! i had no idea until we started looking at ic.org. there are a thousand or so intentional communities in the states alone. i guess a lot of them are just getting started or not even formed yet, but still, we are finding out that we have to be very picky about the ones we choose to visit. every day in our searching we find at least one gem of a community. today we were searching Georgia and found Koinonia which is not only 70 years old but also founded Habitat For Humanity. it seems like it’s been through some very real things in its lifetime.  and we thought it was cool that its name was so similar to Ionia, the community we live in now.

we sent letters to six communities today asking about visiting which feels like an accomplishment, although, considering the vast amount of communities we are and will be wanting to contact, it is only a little ding in the work we will be doing. we also started a map of communities and resources. it’s going to be quite a challenge to make some kind of plan of travel what with all the timing between when the communities can have us, which ones we want to be at for harvest, and where we are in the country at any given time.  maps and calenders… lists of communities, lists of  things to do… Gwendolyn and Alex. these are the things that surround me in my life now.

mirra

Recent thoughts

I’ve been processing the reality of this journey. Last night  I took a nap and woke up with every little worry magnified in a tight knot in my stomach. The next day I spoke to Gwendolyn and Alex about it and found I had only caught up to them about the trip. The great thing was that we all still felt as dedicated as ever, if not more. Everyday we come together just to pour over maps and lists and to plan and brainstorm. Tonight is quiet though; I am writing this, Alex is on the floor looking at a map of the United States and Gwendolyn is composing a song on the ukulele. There’s a fire burning in the Tempcast and half a loaf of  ginger cake on the counter that has slowly been disappearing.

With our current plan of action, I have only three weeks left here at Ionia, my home for the last year. As practically everyone knows, it is when one leaves their friends that they truly begin to know how important they are in one’s life.

-Mirra