looking for what?

I think about getting a job and I feel the life go out of me. I feel that twisting feeling inside from the pressure to be working. I hate it. I can’t stand the pressure of it. I hate the competition. that’s all I keep thinking when I think of getting a job. I have to reason with myself and ask; what is so very horrible about working? is it the having to-ness of it? no, I don’t think that’s it. I have things I have to do and they don’t make me feel that way. even things I don’t consider very fun. is it the having to go to work part? well… no. going to work wouldn’t be so bad if I liked it.

ok, never mind. enough dumb questions I don’t have good answers for. I think what is at the root of the matter is that I am afraid of not being good enough. for any job. I’m afraid someone will confirm my own doubts about myself.  I look at the most mediocre job and ask myself; could I do that? often the answer is; no. how is it that I can think I can plan and share a journey like Community Walkabout, that not only challenges me to do things I’ve never done before and presents me with so many unknowns, but I can  hardly trust myself to be able to mow somebody lawn?!  I have utterly no confidence   in my capacity to have a job. how is that? why did I turn out like that? it’s not that I haven’t had jobs before that have been perfectly fine. I’ve been a custodian more than once, I’ve cleaned someone’s house for them… I mean really; these are not the most challenging of jobs. I’ve also been a self-employed guitar teacher. I was pretty good at that. but I guess every job has it’s challenging parts. even the ones I had. so can’t I assume that I could feel the same way about a future job? yes, that is very reasonable and all, but my guts don’t seem to care an ounce about what reasons my brain comes up with.

so, as much as I don’t want to admit it, the answer looks to me like I need to get a job to prove to myself that I can do it, that it’s not that impossible for me. now the reason for getting a job is not only to be saving money but also, and perhaps more importantly, to give myself confidence that I am able to do the same as others and have a job, that I’m not as much of an incapacitated loser as I’m afraid of being. are we all like this? do we all get our self-confidence through what we can do? through confirmation of other people? because if that is so then we also get our lack of self-confidence from being told we suck. surely our worth is not only what our fellow human beings tell us it is. what is our worth when we are not the judges?.. are we worth nothing?..  everything?                            

beautiful people of earth,
what is your, what is your worth?
apples and cherries, plums and blueberries
are these our brothers of birth?

                                         mirra

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